Isolation - Part Two
Isolation. Definition: "The state of being in a place or situation that is separate from others. The act of separating something from other things. Or a situation in which you do not have the support of other people."
The past number of years have been a whirlwind. There have been two degrees earned. There have been five moves. I've had five major surgeries. Three children had been birthed. We lived in two countries. We've had to start over in new communities four times. There has been anxiety. Depression. There has been counselling. There have been countless amazing family memories made. There have been many ups and there have been many downs. The one thing that has been a constant through out the past fifteen years is isolation.
Lysa TerKeurst says it bang on, "If the enemy can isolate us, he can influence us." Alcoholism is an isolating disease. Not only for the alcoholic, but for the people it directly affects. The purpose of this blog is not to shame my husband, not to attack or blame him for our current situations, but to simply offer a glimpse into our lives, as we feel so strongly that God's story has been woven in and through our journey.
I'm not sure at what point in our married life that I realized that my husbands drinking was different than other peoples. He grew up in an unstable home environment and through many circumstances and bad decisions as a teenager, he ended up abusing drugs and alcohol. Through the gentle, and maybe not so gentle, leading of people in his church he entered a rehab program at the age of 25. I knew his story before getting married. I loved his openness. His passion for sharing his story. This was something he was never ashamed of. He was relatable. He was genuine. He shared the grace of God in his life. And through the first years of our marriage, I thought he had control. I thought everything was normal. Until it wasn't. Alcoholism looks different for every person but yet the same patterns are present in almost every alcoholic. Deception. Stories.
When I realized that this was not normal, I felt incredibly alone. And when the enemy tells you over and over that this is something you can manage on your own or that no one could possibly understand or that as a pastors family you must have all things together or that grace would never be shown or that we will lose everything or that people will never accept this reality or that you are worthless or that you don't matter or that you aren't loved, you start believing all those lies. Those lies felt like truths to me.
This past June my husband admitted that he was powerless over alcohol. Only by the grace of God, the desire to drink has been taken from him. He is in recovery and I thank God every day for the power at work in his life. For the first time in 15 years I let someone into the story that had been commandeering our lives. It was the scariest and bravest thing that I have ever done. I told the enemy I had had enough. Enough of the weight that I was carrying. Enough of the lies. Enough of isolation. I let people in. I let my mom in. She said to me, "why did you both not let me in sooner, we could have walked this road with you the whole time." Even writing this breaks my heart and has me weeping.
Friends, God does NOT want us to walk any journey alone. He loves us. He is our shepherd. He is there with us in the valleys. The Bible is filled with broken people who did terrible things. David committed adultery and murdered someone. Adam welcomed sin into this world. Moses had a temper problem. Solomon had sex addiction. Peter denied Jesus. Paul persecuted Christians. Noah had a drinking problem. There are SO many more stories of broken people in the Bible who isolated themselves from God's truth and let the enemy wreck havoc in their lives. God continues to use the people of the bible, the screw-ups, the liars, the sexual sinners, the marginalized, the dirty, the mess ups to tell his story of Redemption.
My mantra over the last number of months have been. I am loved. I matter. I am capable. I am important. I started counselling last week. It was something I was so afraid of for years but I had the urge so strong last week to see someone and start working through a lot of my hurts, my anger and my thoughts. It was a blessing and honestly, I should have done this years ago. She encouraged me to use my art, my photography to help tell my story. And as soon as she suggested it, it was as if the Spirit was convicting my heart over and over again as this had been in my thoughts too. I'll be intermittently sharing those photos here on this blog too.
Again, this is our story. We don't need judgements. We don't need skepticism. We aren't asking for I told you so's. What we do need is mercy and compassion. At church on Sunday we sang Father Long Before Creation, and honestly I think its been years since we've sung this song, but this verse pierced my heart:
May God's compassion and the gift of his Son be an ever present theme in your story as we so strongly feel it has become part of ours.
The past number of years have been a whirlwind. There have been two degrees earned. There have been five moves. I've had five major surgeries. Three children had been birthed. We lived in two countries. We've had to start over in new communities four times. There has been anxiety. Depression. There has been counselling. There have been countless amazing family memories made. There have been many ups and there have been many downs. The one thing that has been a constant through out the past fifteen years is isolation.
Lysa TerKeurst says it bang on, "If the enemy can isolate us, he can influence us." Alcoholism is an isolating disease. Not only for the alcoholic, but for the people it directly affects. The purpose of this blog is not to shame my husband, not to attack or blame him for our current situations, but to simply offer a glimpse into our lives, as we feel so strongly that God's story has been woven in and through our journey.
I'm not sure at what point in our married life that I realized that my husbands drinking was different than other peoples. He grew up in an unstable home environment and through many circumstances and bad decisions as a teenager, he ended up abusing drugs and alcohol. Through the gentle, and maybe not so gentle, leading of people in his church he entered a rehab program at the age of 25. I knew his story before getting married. I loved his openness. His passion for sharing his story. This was something he was never ashamed of. He was relatable. He was genuine. He shared the grace of God in his life. And through the first years of our marriage, I thought he had control. I thought everything was normal. Until it wasn't. Alcoholism looks different for every person but yet the same patterns are present in almost every alcoholic. Deception. Stories.
When I realized that this was not normal, I felt incredibly alone. And when the enemy tells you over and over that this is something you can manage on your own or that no one could possibly understand or that as a pastors family you must have all things together or that grace would never be shown or that we will lose everything or that people will never accept this reality or that you are worthless or that you don't matter or that you aren't loved, you start believing all those lies. Those lies felt like truths to me.
This past June my husband admitted that he was powerless over alcohol. Only by the grace of God, the desire to drink has been taken from him. He is in recovery and I thank God every day for the power at work in his life. For the first time in 15 years I let someone into the story that had been commandeering our lives. It was the scariest and bravest thing that I have ever done. I told the enemy I had had enough. Enough of the weight that I was carrying. Enough of the lies. Enough of isolation. I let people in. I let my mom in. She said to me, "why did you both not let me in sooner, we could have walked this road with you the whole time." Even writing this breaks my heart and has me weeping.
Friends, God does NOT want us to walk any journey alone. He loves us. He is our shepherd. He is there with us in the valleys. The Bible is filled with broken people who did terrible things. David committed adultery and murdered someone. Adam welcomed sin into this world. Moses had a temper problem. Solomon had sex addiction. Peter denied Jesus. Paul persecuted Christians. Noah had a drinking problem. There are SO many more stories of broken people in the Bible who isolated themselves from God's truth and let the enemy wreck havoc in their lives. God continues to use the people of the bible, the screw-ups, the liars, the sexual sinners, the marginalized, the dirty, the mess ups to tell his story of Redemption.
My mantra over the last number of months have been. I am loved. I matter. I am capable. I am important. I started counselling last week. It was something I was so afraid of for years but I had the urge so strong last week to see someone and start working through a lot of my hurts, my anger and my thoughts. It was a blessing and honestly, I should have done this years ago. She encouraged me to use my art, my photography to help tell my story. And as soon as she suggested it, it was as if the Spirit was convicting my heart over and over again as this had been in my thoughts too. I'll be intermittently sharing those photos here on this blog too.
Again, this is our story. We don't need judgements. We don't need skepticism. We aren't asking for I told you so's. What we do need is mercy and compassion. At church on Sunday we sang Father Long Before Creation, and honestly I think its been years since we've sung this song, but this verse pierced my heart:
God's compassion is my story,
Is my boasting all the day;
Mercy free and never failing
Moves my will, directs my way.
God so loved us, God so loved us
That His only Son He gave.
May God's compassion and the gift of his Son be an ever present theme in your story as we so strongly feel it has become part of ours.
Thank you for your bravery, openness and a vulnerable heart. I am especially thankful that you see God walking the road with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for doing the good and hard work of sharing your story. Thank you for letting us readers into your life. We love you all.
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