Fear - Part Nine

Fear - an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Last year was a year that was filled with a lot of fear.  Real fears and fears that were completely irrational.  When I looked at our situation from the outside, it would seem that a lot of those fears played out.  

One of my biggest fears was people learning about my husbands alcoholism.  Fear told me that he'd lose his job, we'd lose our home, and we would be ostracized.  This was the biggest driving reason that I kept my lips tightly closed on the battle I was dealing with for years.  When everything imploded and exploded early last year, that fear did come true in a way.  My husband lost his job, we sold our house, and we were ostracized by a church community.  There were days that were terrible.  Being a year removed from this pain, I can see now see the joys in those moments as well.

The pain lessened day by day and it's still lessening.  There are times when I still allow myself to grieve and mourn what was lost.  Fear is a funny thing, it prays on our insecurities, thoughts, and relationships. It knows where to find our weakest spots, and its cunning.

About 10 years ago, I spent three weeks of my summer with around 30 high school juniors and seniors.  The group of students came from all over Canada and the US.  We spent some time at Calvin Seminary attending lectures from campus professors and serving on a week long serve trip.  Our large group was split into a smaller three groups and were sent to different locations.  We made the many hours long trek to Newark, New Jersey.  We stayed at a community centre in the neighbourhood of the church.  It was a friendly neighbourhood but we did have to make sure everything, including our room doors were locked up tightly in the evening.  I'll never forget the answer one of our leaders gave when one of the students asked if she was afraid of being in this neighbourhood.  Her reply was something along the lines of that she knew she needed to have a healthy sense of fear.  She knew what type of neighbourhood we were in and what measures she needed to take to remain safe and in a way was always on guard. Knowing where she was wouldn't stop her from making sure she could enjoy the time spent there.  Her words have stuck with me all the years.  A healthy sense of fear.  

Lately I've been thinking a lot more about fear again.  I've been listening to different podcasts and doing a lot of reading.  I'm also an Ennegram 6 so I've been doing a lot of thinking as well!  What I've been learning and continually being taught is that fear and hope are allowed to exist together.  If we always remain in fear, it will destroy us! Fear held me captive for years and it literally made me sick and riddled with anxiety.  It preys on our insecurities and tells us lies that sound true so we believe them.  What I've discovered is that there is a great counter to fear-- hope! Hope allows us to grieve with fear for a bit but then it moves to an understanding that this situation cannot remain like this forever.  Hope is like little glimmers of rainbow crystal reflections on my walls.  Hope is that first breath you take after rising from under the water.  Hope is anticipation.  Hope drives out fear.

There were portions of last year that I'd like to erase from my memory.  I'd love to have a rewind button and take those memories away.  But when I get down to where I am now, I'm learning to say thank you for those hard times and the lessons they taught me.  The hard times and the fear taught me to hope.  Hope told me that these things are passing and they won't last forever. 

We are living in strange times.  My news feed is filled with fear, people who are scared, anxiety, overuse of alcohol to get through, and the list goes on!  Fear is marketable, profitable, and is a tactic that is used in every sphere of our world at the moment.  But instead of leaning into fear, can we learn to employ that healthy sense of fear along with hope?  Do your part and listen to the rules, but also take a lesson from creation.  Spring is the epitome of hope!  It simply cannot be winter forever, so we wait and we know that spring is coming.  Right now our little area of the world is coming alive again! The birds are singing their sweet songs, the grass is ever so slightly changing hues, the bright sun is warming our hearts.  Spring is hope and its hear.  Cling to the hope that this will not last forever, use that healthy sense of fear but allow yourself to see the small delights of each day.