Lament - Do We Really Have To Go Through?

 Lament - a passionate expression of grief or sorrow. A crying out in grief; wailing.

The process of lament is a practise that doesn’t come with an instruction manual. What really is lament? Is it like what we see portrayed on shows or movies; exuberant wailing, uncontrolled rage, or simply a shadow that follows us around? Lament nowadays seems to be as unknown to us as the people in our neighbourhood. We know that they are there, but we don’t really know what they are truly about.

I’ve been wrestling with this word for a long time. How does one lament and what does one lament? There certainly have been things in my life that are worthy of lamenting. A unexpected loss of a grandfather, loss of what I thought my life would like look, friendships, church loss, job loss, and now another grandfather that passed away. Every one of us can name things that we have lost. None of us are immune to the pain of loss but some of us have become numb to the pain of loss because of the inability or the lack of permission to lament. 

Does our culture allow us to lament? Do we allow ourselves to lament? Prior to the pandemic many of our lives felt like a fast moving train that had no exit doors. One thing after another, filling our spaces with busy. Even when our spaces weren’t busy, we were filling them with empty forms of busy. A life that is constantly filled to the brim with busy has no room for lament to enter. 

Lament is an essential component of what it means to be human. Failure to properly lament creates layers of unpenetrable armour. Lament is something deeper than simply a recollection of memories and moments of grief. Lament is spiritual, a pouring out, a spark from which healing can be ignited. 

A couple of weeks ago my Opa passed away. It wasn’t unexpected, as he had been failing in health for number of years, and it was a blessing that he was able to be at home the entire time leading up to his death. Prior to his funeral the regulations changed in our province to which only 10 people could attend the funeral. The legacy that my Opa left, was his 6 children with my Oma, his 24 grandchildren, and 18 great-grandchildren, and add in spouses, we have become a great number! This crowd, my Opa’s family, was his joy! Lament, in this case, looks like naming the loss of not being able to gather together. 

At his grave side, someone expressed that they wished their spouse was with them. This lament was met with a “well, this is our new normal, our temporary new normal” from the pastor. Listening to that response and processing it left me with realization of how easy it is for people, even spiritual leaders, to disregard lamentations. We need to hold space for everyone's laments. We need to stop brushing things off in response to many situations with a “well this is the way it is, so just get over it”. We need to allow people to enter into a space of “it’s not supposed to be this way”. Stating our griefs, our laments, our sorrows may not change our circumstances, but I believe that it may change us.

One of my favourite passages in J.R.R. Tolkien’s, The Hobbit, is when Gandalf is about to leave the company of Bilbo and the dwarves. Bilbo and his companions are about to embark on entering the dark forest on their mission to reclaim the mountain the dragon has possessed. “Do we really have to go through?” groaned the hobbit. “Yes, you do!” said the wizard, “if you want to get to the other side. You must either go through or give up your quest. And I am not going to allow you to back out now, Mr. Baggins. I am ashamed of you for thinking it.” Grief is an emotion that must be worked through! We have to go through it, in all of its dark, unknown, unchartered spaces. If we want to get to the other side, we have to enter into the space of lament and grief. 

Jesus himself models that lamenting and grieving are essential to the human spirit. “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept.” (John 11:33-35). He grieved over the loss of the one he loved. A couple of verses later it is noted again that Jesus was deeply moved. Jesus, God’s son, allowed himself to surrender to lament. The Psalms are filled with words from the Psalmist wrestling in and through lament. 

God himself has lamented his created world as being not the way it’s supposed to be ever since the fall in the Garden of Eden. The whole point of the Bible is that its God’s story of himself- who He is, what He has done, and how much He loves his people. He is ever revealing himself as a God who can bear our griefs and our laments. As God’s people we need to learn how to lament, but we also need to learn how to give others the space to lament. However that looks for that person; mourn with them, go through that dark and unknown space with them, and be present. Choosing lament and grief is choosing life. 

What does lament look like? That’s a question that I am continually asking myself. It’s a question that I don’t know if I fully have an answer to yet. But I do know that lament looks like intentional actions to name the things we are lamenting, allowing space for others to lament, and acknowledging that we have one who knows every aspect of our laments and it’s in Him that we can rest in when the laments become to heavy to bear. 

~ Kristin

“Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” John 11:41b-42.